i have decided to be whoever i want to be at whatever point in time and never worry about fitting into this general idea of a personality i think i have. maybe i'm a little stranger than others in the sense that the way i act differ greatly in front of different people. but i am finally settled with the fact that it does not mean i have facades - my thoughts and moods are probably just easily affected by people, environment around me and (strangely, the state of my body).

-------

i feel there is no need to say "the new year means nothing to me, it is just another day" anymore, because i've said it so many times in the past and it's so deeply ingrained in me that there is no need to even speak of it.

i don't feel the need to live our life in years and months anymore, when our life is made up of experiences that flow like a river, are never ending, continuous, and therefore it is artificial to mark it out with time.

i wrote this to remind myself that this thought crossed my mind on 31st december, 12 :35pm.

i actually dislike the way i write lately. it's like the non-fiction books i read. i really quite dislike it even though i prefer reading non-fiction to fiction. maybe i should stop writing here for a while, until they start getting less factual. this is a reflection of my state of mind: less emotions and more evaluation. it's not exactky writing, it's really merely a storage space for my thoughts.

i feel so dry and boring. but maybe this is me. that's ok.

My heart hurts

There are no longer traces of you here, so before you completely blend into the crowds of acquaintances in my mind, I'd like to remind myself that you once existed on one of the pedestals.

"Re: why do humans express themselves?

People express themselves because humans as social beings, both want to know
about other people, and want others to know about them. This is why we speak and
write. Sometimes other tools, such as poetry, music and drawing, are more
effective ways of expressing themselves, hence they are used. "

---

I keep stopping myself from "showing myself to others" and therefore have become very reserved lately. Maybe because I'm sick of that side of me that always feels inferior, and sick of the past me who always said and did things that would hopefully reach the standards of others. I stop myself from speaking to prevent that from happening. Obviously the wrong way to do it, but what else?

Why must we be social animals, why must I feel lonely, why do I need love, why can't I just live myself and (really) be happy with it? I prefer to be alone only because I dislike awkward small talks I have with most people, not because I really enjoy it. I don't know what made me hate interaction so much. Bad experiences? of what sort? I don't even know. Or rahter, why do I find it so difficult to live with people?

-

Do people know who I really am?

USS on 25th december 2011. It's funny how I might look a little more like my brother's gf cause yahui (his real gf) looks sooo much like him. Both of us went to USS with yahui and her siblings because our parents are away in HK. More freedom and more privacy, finally.

Sometimes I wish my brother and I would be closer as siblings, like those that can really talk to each other. But I guess it's good enough that we don't quarrel and we do nice things for each other sometimes and it helps that he's really like an older brother and patient most of the time.

crashed nic's family bbq (with her freaky friends) after that. Didn't get to take any photos so here's one we took at old school last week. I like her family (and many many siblings)

2011 vs 2010

@ Timbre Old School. Hi nickicksdicks who probably won't read this, the cwazee one with all the interesting stories, the one who's anti-social as well and whom I secretly think is quite like me, it's always been quite comfortable hanging out with you :)

4th september 2011. We actually look a little odd as friends and I really don't know how we became friends but I really like talking to you all the same (even though we have such different view points at times). And even then, we get each other. Can't imagine telling anything to anyone else. Cheers to the person who concretizes my abstract thoughts hahah.

---------------------

Despite this post being so filled with people, I am feeling quite lonely at this moment. Thinking of "who am I important to, who is important to me?" depresses me. The answer is, none.

All I'm thinking while looking through photo albums is that photos really mean nothing at all. They make people appear so close when they are not. Not all the time, of course, but you really can't tell much just from photos alone.

Christmas.. okay.

Knowing the meaning of things is the most important to me. The ways in which meaning is presented in the form of words, pictures or sounds (in general, skills in art, music, language) are interesting, but they are just, skills. They are things that belong in an outer,(physical) world.

There are two worlds: the inner, the outer. Thoughts are abstract, and in the inner world. Anything else is concrete, belonging to the outer world.

I feel that nothing matters more than the abstract world. Living in the physical world can be tiring, for you sometimes have to spend effort making your presence known. I don't even mean an impressive presence, even a normal person unconsciously says things as if to say: this is me.

Given our short period of interaction with others, we can only get to know someone by taking note of their outer appearances, few sentences they say. So we say "first impression counts" and try our best to use clothes to represent us, say things to be seen a certain way. So tiring and painful.

It is better to live in my own world, and let those want to enter, in. I don't want to spend effort making my personality known to others. (for whatever purpose: friendship, jobs) The question is, how long can one survive in this (physical) world living this way?

Moreover, the very act of communication is actually a concrete way of conveying abstract thoughts - it is still concrete - your thoughts are affected by linguistic ability, and because everybody's interpretation of words differ, thoughts you want to convey can be distorted. If that is the case, the only truth is the inner world sealed within yourself.

-

I figured something. The part of art I've always liked more is the meaning behind a particular piece. Some artists have impressive skills I can admire for hours, but what sticks with me is what the artist wanted to say (which relates to me). In art, meaning comes hand in hand with skill, because meaning can only be conveyed with good skill and presentation. I don't mean only skills like brushstrokes etc, but also the choice of subject matter, time frame selected. In art, meaning can only come with good presentation and skill. One half of the package does not interest me as much as the other, I think.

-

Also, I am learning to say what I really feel. Often, we say things that are affected by our subconscious. Subconscious sounds like a fancy and non-accessible term, but in this context, I think the subconscious refers to our very natural and uncontrollable intinctive reaction towards certain emotions and situations. [eg. someone denying his feelings towards someone (person A) actually really has feelings towards (person A), but is denying it because subconsciously, he might be afraid of rejection and would rather not have others know about it, to minimize the chances of rejection. If I am able to identify my instinctive patterns, I'd be more able to notice what I really feel.

Yes thank you I know how important communication is, but having you telling me your every single bloody (negative) thought and repeating it is quite horrible. It's bloody irritating that it'll always and forever be a one-way thing because I will never have the right to really really tell you what I feel. Suddenly feel like communication is so overrated. You make me feel like there isn't a thing called communication, just YOU always making ME listen to whatever you have to say. Hold on, that isn't even communication, we're not even on the same level. I'm so afraid I'm unconsciously turning out this way as well.

Can you people just leave me alone. Please listen to this one little request. Please don't rant your head off when you can clearly tell the person needs some quiet time. Just a short while. I'll listen to you speak maybe even after half an hour. I've tolerated for so long before finally using silence to deal with it. I didn't shout! I haven't turned that knob in years, please at least figure out what that should mean before shooting off like a bullet train. Seems like tolerating is not a good thing, because people like you will go on till the boiling point has reached and go "oh, didn't know you were tolerating".

And stop trying to pry me open. I'm not going to open up. Go. away.

Why do I feel like communication is so tiring when I know what's painful should be the absence of communication? Why on earth is everything labelled as small talk in my mind, and I feel so drained of energy and tired whenever I speak to.. almost everyone?

So what is communication? Communication is about sharing and listening - listening is not about simply nodding your head, but about responding as well.

Lately, I haven't been able to talk to others because I often can't find anything to say. Perhaps it's because I haven't been listening attentively, haven't cared about anyone enough. I want to apologize for always disappearing after exchanging one or two sentences, for ignoring texts or replying only after a week or a few.

I feel inferior and am afraid to speak, be it the sharing of thoughts/insights/random musings or the expression of any emotions (fortunately or unfortunately quite lacking these days), just in case whatever I say turn out to be too muddled up. Just like how I don't like working hard because I'm afraid to find out I'm not good enough.

Just that.. I don't know what "good enough" means. Nothing's ever good enough for... recognition? respect? love? acceptance? Whenever I think of this list, I realize I don't even know what I'm looking for. Acceptance maybe? Self acceptance or acceptance from others? Or.. what?

I'm afraid I won't do well this time, and I still hate myself for being so careless during the exams, for making rash decisions. Also, I hate myself for feeling inferior, when I know I have every reason not to be. But I can't stop feeling that way, can't help evaluating my self worth with every word I say, every thing I do. I name this devil inferiority, I want to kill it because it's taking away even the things I used to be good at.

Maybe I'm still not used to talking to people, because I can't seem to think of anything to say to anyone at all. Somehow everything feels like small talk. I feel irresponsible for not continuing conversations, text messages and face-to-face conversations alike, but I'm afraid of the awkwardness and always end up walking away from them. I feel guilty for steering the conversation to myself for a while cause I didn't know what to say today. I feel guilty

I just want to be able to talk to others again and not be stuck in my own world and be able to find words to say. I feel so cold I feel like being dependent on people all over again, at least I could feel a little in the past. I don't know who's important to me, I want to take back all those words "you're self centered you're self centered you're self centered". I don't know how to really love myself without being self centered at the same time. I don't now what being self centered means, does talking about yourself equate to being self centered? I really don't know I don't know.

My truest thoughts are still as convoluted. I don't understand WHY I don't write here anymore, why I don't share my thoughts with others anymore, why I'm keeping everything to myself these days I don't understand this part of myself. Why do I feel like communication is so tiring when I know what's painful is the absence of communication.

How does one learn to love herself?

Honestly can't wait to turn 21 and get all the freedom I want. Every time I look at the albums I took, I'm reminded of you controlling the kind of photos I can take, all the rules to follow. I feel the freedom of snapping photos being taken away from me. Don't even have mood to shoot with the camera these days, feel like whatever you said has already been embedded in me and I have fit into the mould you have built for me I HATE IT. I hate how I am already in the mould and I have changed. Into you. I don't want to be like you, yet I already am. I hate how you're so restraining, how you build walls around yourself and for me as well. I need to run away, to be myself, out of the danger zone of becoming like you. Free me free me free me free me free me. I don't want to be like you, I want to be happy. Free me fucking free me please. I am 19. I need to be less angry. I'm trying.

Am in the particular stage where I am penning down all my thoughts in my diary instead of this space because I feel like what's written here must be my final say, an essay, instead of a documentation of my processes of thought. In essence, I am afraid of saying the wrong things. I am reluctant to speak because I feel the people will normally take your words as (your stand), because they probably do not have the chance to hear your other stand at another point in time. People are always in a process of change, and nothing is ever the final say.

I do not like discussions, I only like asking and getting answers, and evaluating answers on my own. Because (I think) people can get defensive (over their ideas/argument) and judge even your evaluation. This should be a thinking I should change.

(edit: I still ended up typing quite abit..)

------

Today I read three chapters of "moonwalking with Einstein" about human memory and what struck me the most is that memory is not a by-product of expertise, but the essence of expertise. In other words, to have great expertise is to have a great bank of retained information regarding that field gained after time. (instead of having memory of things of that field because of a particular skill. -actually this sentence does not even make sense now -)

Also, in the context of chess playing: professional chess players are normally experienced players (roughly 9 years of playing etc) who do not use on-the-spot thinking during competitions unlike non-experienced players. They play intuitively because they have the "skills" drilled into their muscle memory.

(I will stop here because I might end up writing a summary and summaries normally get me quite frustrated because I often have too much to say, and makes me feel like I HAVE to get a point across. When I actually don't have to.) Anyway.

-----------

So I did an experiment while playing piano today, and crossed my hands to play it. Meaning, playing the right-hand parts on the lower octave, and the left-hand parts on the higher octave. (instead of RH on higher octave and LH on lower octave).

Discovered that songs I've learnt when I was young came to me naturally - the fingerings just came to me and I didn't have to look at scores (probably because they were already in my "muscle memory". So when I swapped hands to play, there were absolutely no problems in doing so even though the song sounded weird.

As I grew older, I became more sensitive to the relationship between notes and chords and started playing "by ear", meaning I memorize pieces by the way the pieces sound, not so much of the positions of the fingerings visually/by looking at the scores. So when I tried to play with the position of my hands swapped around, I couldn't do it properly, because the piece sounded weird, different from how I usually learned them.

Honestly I do not know which way of learning is better.

Also, the classical pieces seemed easier to play with swapped hands than the ones in the 20th century/impressionistic pieces (eg. by Debussy). Probably because classical pieces were created more structually and therefore easier to break down? I'm not sure about this, maybe google can help.

-

One last thing I remembered from the book:

our memory is never, static - it is always being shaped by our experience.

-

6 more chapters to go but I have to study Jap now. Sayonara.

I hate myself for thinking I'm not good enough. I'm so afraid of trying.

There are so many layers to us, layers we didn't know existed. Every time I say something, I'll realise afterwards that it was said out of a purpose and it wasn't exactly what i was thinking. like, i unconsciously put on a mask. Don't know what I'm talking about.

I

"honestly, what's the difference between being 21 years old and 20 years, 11 months, 30 days old?"

"The difference is not with you, it's with the way your parents treat you"

I can't wait to turn 21. I dislike how we're bound by other people, but there isn't a choice. So.. I can't wait to turn 21.

-----

II

There are no other words to describe how I feel, I feel sad, and for some strange reason, lonely. The world around me makes me feel like I don't belong, I wish I were more easy-going and sociable, but I am not. I feel.. sad.

Maybe it's the sad music I'm listening to.

Suddenly occurred to me that this is destructive behaviour: 1) people contact me and I don't reply because I don't know what to say in return, 2) I feel lonely because there is no one here (who's free) to really talk to cause I haven't replied them.

I understand it's my fault for not replying to texts but.. I really, really, really dislike that moment of awkwardness, like:

"hi emma! how have you been, how were your exams! :)"

- an imagined conversation that follows - :

me: "hi xx! :D yeah they were fine, how are you!"

xx: "yeah i'm fine too, busy with school! Enjoying yourself?"

me: "yeah! (lists down what I do). So.. what do you do in school?"

xx: "oh, lectures, and all... gonna find a job?"

me: "yeah, a job..! so........"

--

I mean, you can't talk about random things with friends you haven't talked to in ages. Especially over texts. I'm not an expert at starting conversations and I don't know what to do.

----

III

This blog is an indicator of the change in the way I think and express myself. I'm still not letting myself get exposed to the wide range of emotions I'm allowed to express. Choppy. Sentences. Not. Nice. I find it strange that I can read so much out of a few pages in a book, and pen down my thoughts in little private notes, but not here. Strange because I'm obviously hiding my feelings from others, much more than I used to. I am increasingly isolated from the rest of the world.

---

IV

8-12 Sabah trip.

Rob: because! Crazy people don't sit around wondering if they're nuts!

-

Not really. I remember researching about mental disorders all day last year. Not going back to the past again. Part of me wishes I hadn't changed though. I have practically no memories of 2011 for I've successfully stopped myself from letting emotions take control. I feel like a rock, a stone.

-

Feel like saying I HATE YOU to you right now I HATE YOU. Don't know why I'm saying this, I just hate you for ignoring me, for not showing me respect. I'm sad actually. But hate puts me in a stronger position for once. Therefore, I HATE YOU.

=

And I suddenly remember what kai told me that day:

1) Every person has a story behind him

2) We are all equal beings, just that the world measures them in specific terms (eg. material well being), making things seem unfair.

-

I am leaving for Sabah in two hours, back on the afternoon of 12th.

Do I have the right to say I don't feel there's such thing as love? It's something I know exists, but can't feel or touch.

I don't believe anybody would be willing to share your pain, or listen to your woes. Unless they are free, or do not have problems of their own. Who doesn't have problems of their own? We must understand they can't give us too much time, they have their lives to lead as well.

But then I heard true love and friendship is when they help you and listen to you even when they have their own problems. Isn't that a little too much to ask of someone who is not related to you in any way? Though it's something I'd very much love to experience -

And give others as well. I wish I'd love others more. But how to? What is it?

--

If I could know love well enough to put it in visual form, in words, in mindmaps, understand it so well, I'd want to give the world all my love I can give.

But all we know about love, is that it's red, and a heart.

They say there are many ways to love someone, and everyone needs a different kind of love, because we are all different and shaped differently. If it's so different, how do we know what 'love' really is? Love is a word, a definition. Some are so twisted and confused that it turns into hate.

-

Why have I turned out this way? why can I not be happy and loving? Why have past events shaped me so much? How can a short period of one year change me so drastically? True, they're a buildup of events, a result of my brewing insecurity. but the past year was the one that turned me into.. Something.. Horrible. I want to be happy and make others happy. I want to love and be loved and I'll say this many times, over and over.

Sometimes I wonder why I hate the word "simple" so much.

Just watched in the mood for love (花樣年華).

Blue Valentine twice in two days.

You are the apple of my eye (那些年，我們一起追的女孩) ~ a week ago.

Utterly confused on what love is all about.

-

In all honesty I didn't find the last as great as it was said to be, maybe I should watch it again. That said, it was still light hearted, sweet and quite enjoyable. And safe from cliched endings.

Blue Valentine was so raw, it speaks of the truth. There is something new you can pick up after each watch, it will be a movie I will review at least once a year. The breakdown of a relationship.. I tried to rationalize it many times, but come to a different conclusion every time. Trust and love is hinged upon the past, history, so many things untold..

In the mood for love had brilliant, captivating scenes and meaningful use of visuals. I like how the older movies move in a slower pace and make greater use of symbols, giving audiences more space to think. I loved the smart use of visual clues and repetition to aid in the stringing up of evidence and emotional connection to the characters. Also, the lingering touch of the music. I quote: "A movie suffused with ravishing physical beauty and infinite sadness".

-

Blue Valentine: "How do you trust your feelings when they can just disappear like that?"

花樣年華: "Feelings can creep up just like that. I thought I was in control"

Similar quotes, I feel, by no coincidence. I find the entire concept of love (a.. concept) so hard to grasp. What is it?

-

He remembers those vanished years. As though looking throusth a dusty window pane, the past is something he could see, but not touch.

And everything he sees is blurred and indistinct.

-------------------------

Feel like "modern" movies sometimes move in such a blur, that thoughts only reside in your mind for that split second before it gets distracted by the next scene. So all you're left with at the end of the movie is a state of confusion.

-

2046, royston tan and eric khoo films next on the list. My friend's going to lend me a copy of yumeji soon. Not forgetting the list my friends have given me. On top of that, I have signed up for japanese classes, plan to look for a piano teacher after my trip, find a job..

where can I find time for myself? The hour walk around the park felt important to me; I thought - it'd be nice to get away from home and find freedom, in a place where nobody recognizes me and I have the right the be lost in my thoughts.

-

I cannot stand it. The music for 花樣年華 is too beautiful.

I teared while walking around the park in circles today, not due to (specific) issues, but because remembering hurts. I like cyclicity. I like that sense of familiarity which allows your mind to be in a place of its own, because you don't have to waste energy registering new images. I wrote a letter to four people in my head, though I don't know if I'll be able to remember everything or even end up writing them. My feelings are more accessible now.

The discovery of her hiding place has transformed me.

The words in my mind seem more beautiful. I'll stop here. I'm not even writing anything proper. These words make me puke.

Who are we to each other, I don't know anymore. We can't stay on this spot, we either move towards or away from each other. We don't trust each other, we don't listen to each other. Nothing about each other is important. Nothing is important. Make a decision now, to close the gap or to eliminate interaction, it hurts to see things wither away.

"Swallow your feelings. Scoop them neatly and don’t let them spill or leave a stain. Chew them quickly – don’t savor them – just long enough to make them an unrecognizable mush before pushing them down to be dissolved in the acid below. Start small, just the ones you can handle: sadness when someone dies in a movie, anger at tech support. Those are the ones that make sense, that go down smooth.

Others are harder to swallow, the complex, multi-course meals made of layer after layer of uncertainty and guilt, warring flavors of disbelief and longing to believe, fear of getting what you want and fear of losing what you never had. It’s okay if you can’t choke them down right away, if they get stuck halfway and leave a lump in your throat, if they make you sick and some of them leak out through your eyes and nose or burst out of your mouth when you least expect it. It happens to the best of us. You just have to build up a tolerance. Consume them little by little, and before you know it, you’ll have room on your plate for something else, something better.

Just as you can’t remember the time before you ate solid food, soon it will become second nature. One day you’ll wonder when the last time you cried was, and find you can’t remember. That’s great, you’ll think, no one can hurt you now. No one can touch you. You are a pristine and impenetrable fortress of stoicism. Everything is blank and immaculate.

Carry on and don’t give it another thought. Not until someone asks you how you feel and you don’t have an answer because you just don’t know. Not until something happens and you laugh when you were supposed to cry because somewhere along the way the wires got crossed. Not until someone is sitting in front of you, spewing their feelings and begging for yours and all you can think is what a mess they’ve made in the place you’ve worked so hard to keep so tidy. "

from thoughtcatalog (link from sarah)

-

yes precisely

A song, a book or film does not have to relate to you for it to be good. It's about how well it expresses or represents the issue.

-

陳奕迅 - 浮誇

Got attracted to this song because of its unique melody, and later the lyrics. It's quite frustrating to not be able to properly describe what I like about the music. Roughly: It is rather twisted, winds around because of the use of semitones and not just whole notes (eg. compare this with 梁山伯与茱丽叶, feel like this song is the epitome of "simple, straightforward music" - in my opinion, at least -. Basically, songs that are easy to sing/pick up) I think the music and lyrics come together to bring out a sense of confusion and the gulf between 1) what the person wants to do, and 2) what the person HAS to do.

Basically, 好有感覺 !

梁山伯与茱丽叶, for comparison

-

够歇斯底里吗以眼泪淋花吧

一心只想你惊讶

我旧时似未存在吗加重注码

青筋也现形话我知

现在存在吗

" 描写一些在生活中，工作上。不出众。又没特色的人。想多得到别人的重视。 一种自卑的精神。"

This performance is far too great.

If anybody gets what I mean. Feel like the pain of inadequacy, having to do things for the mere sake of pleasing others and thus sense of losing oneself has been expressed very well. I noticed Eason Chan has pretty intense performance and makes full use of the stage, props and atmosphere.

I'm afraid of entering the real world, doing things that might betray your own principals and interests.. just to survive.

I liked (you are the apple of my eye)

I have serious issues with people, and I can't hide it at all.

For once I wish I were better at pretending.

look and think: outward.